Monthly Archives: March 2019

A Mandatory Vaccine Police State Based on Ignorance and Hysteria

There is now a mandatory vaccine police state in Rockland County, New York, according to Brian Shilhavy of Health Impact News. Because there are 153 cases of measles, officials have declared a “state of emergency,” like the hysterical Chicken Little, and they have banned all unvaccinated children from public places, including schools, malls and churches.

If a parent is in violation, that parent will be “referred into the district attorney,” says Rockland County Executive Ed Day.” My, the ignorance and hysteria here.

And in response to people who had specific concerns and questions about the MMR vaccine, Ed Day stated, according to the Health Impact News article,

If you are going to People Magazine, and Jenny McCarthy for your medical advice, then you need to start re-examining your life.

There’s risk in everything.

Could there have been a child or a few children who have been compromised by a vaccination? Of course there could be.

But there’s something called ‘The Greater Good’ here. Society has to come to an understanding at some point, that we have a responsibility to the greater good of the community.

Doh! That really makes me cringe.

And in another article by Shilhavy, there is evidence of MMR vaccine failure: a mumps outbreak among vaccinated students.

Apparently 100 students in Philadelphia have the mumps, even though most of the students have been vaccinated. And it’s the same MMR vaccine that is being mandated by the “Authorities” in New York! It seems that the MMR contains a “live” virus and that vaccinated people may be spreading the virus.

The article also notes that the FDA.gov’s MMR vaccine insert page was written by the vaccine’s manufacturer, Merck.

And also the article refers to a study done regarding the Disneyland measles outbreak, that concluded that “Of the 194 measles virus sequences obtained in the United States in 2015, 73 were identified as vaccine sequences.”

Also, whistleblowers who worked on developing vaccines at Merck are suing Merck because they had “witnessed firsthand the improper testing and data falsification in which Merck engaged to artificially inflate the (MMR) vaccine’s efficacy findings.” (What a shock.)

And in a related article on GreenMedInfo.com, J.B. Handley provides real-life data which show that the CDC vaccine schedule is causing harm.

Listen, based on what I have been reading over the years now, in most cases with most people, if you are nutritionally fit and well-nourished (if that’s not redundant), your immune system will be strong and it will fight off viruses, flu, measles, etc.

Or, if you nevertheless contract any particular disease like that, its effects will not be as severe as it could be if you were malnourished (which, unfortunately, I believe many people are, because of eating junk foods and processed food, taking prescription drugs or other drugs, drinking alcohol which depletes vitamins and nutrients, or smoking.)

Science Study Censorship

An article by Celeste McGovern on GreenMedInfo.com discusses a case of science study censorship. Apparently a scientific study had been written about diseased sheep, showing that they were made diseased by a vaccine. The sheep probably suffered from “Autoimmune/Inflammatory Syndrome Induced by Adjuvants” such as aluminum which are found in vaccines. One study confirmed that, but the published study was later withdrawn by its publisher, Elsevier, in response to an anonymous letter that was believed to have been written by a vaccine activist. The article mentions that Elsevier has a “Mercky past.”

Inducing Autophagy

Mark Sisson has posted an informative article on his blog, The Definitive Guide to Autophagy (and 7 Ways to Induce It). I was not really familiar with the concept of autophagy. He writes:

Autophagy: the word comes from the Greek for “self-eating,” and that’s a very accurate description: Autophagy is when a cell consumes the parts of itself that are damaged or malfunctioning. Lysosomes—members of the innate immune system that also degrade pathogens—degrade the damaged cellular material, making it available for energy and other metabolites.  It’s cellular pruning, and it’s an important part of staving off the worst parts of the aging process.

Exercise and fasting are important to maintain the autophagy process. Many people are constantly eating, I know I am, and are not that physically active, as people sit at their desks at the office or on their couch watching TV or travel while sitting in their cars and they don’t walk enough, etc., etc.

Mark provides 7 ways to induce autophagy: fasting, getting keto-adapted, training regularly, training hard, drinking coffee, eating turmeric, and consuming extra virgin olive oil.

Well, in my case I exercise every morning and consume extra virgin olive oil. I don’t or can’t do the other things.

He suggests fasting for two or three days. I’m very thin, and with my digestive condition it’s difficult for me to maintain a minimum healthy weight. I don’t want to fast. I think in my case that would actually not be a good thing.

And I can’t have coffee because the acidity is an irritant to the colon (caffeine or decaf).

I’m sure there are other things that I probably have been doing or consuming that could be added to his list of 7 that help in the autophagy process.

My Ordeal With Doctors, Bad Advice, and Bad Prescription Drugs

UPDATE: Because this post is kind of a long read, I decided to add a summary of the important points at the top, and then continue with the actual post below the summary.

Here is the summary first:

  • It was an ordeal from 1999-2008. Diagnosis of ulcerative colitis (UC), or inflammatory bowel, with bleeding BMs.
  • Primary doctor advised that I eat whole wheat and bran to gain weight. (But people with UC shouldn’t eat whole wheat and bran which are irritants to the colon.)
  • Primary doctor had me have an upper GI series, in which the barium caused a return of pylorospasm (spastic pyloris) that caused further aggravation.
  • Prescription anti-inflammatory Asacol caused swelling in legs, feet and ankles, could hardly walk.
  • Switched to sulfasalazine. A colonoscopy doctor advised to increase sulfasalazine in 2001, and a different colonoscopy doctor advised in 2005 to increase it further. Based on an unusually high blood pressure reading at a physical, my research and conclusion were that the 2005-2006 increased sulfasalazine caused depletion of potassium which contributes to higher blood pressure. Reducing sulfasalazine resulted in lower, more normal blood pressure.
  • 2007-08 and onward I emphasized nutritional medicine and supplements. Were issues with fish oil/omega 3, and drinking Ensure for a long period. The biggest help since 2005 in my experience has been the acidophilus probiotic supplement.
  • 2008 colonoscopy the two GI doctors were “not sure” about “regenerative glands with neutrophils” and suggested another colonoscopy in just 6 months. My conclusion was that they were “FOS,” so I didn’t have that. Colonoscopies are very stressful! I had them in 2001, 2005, 2007, and 2008. There were polyps in 2001, but none in any of the subsequent colonoscopies. And I learned that “regenerative glands with neutrophils” meant that the colon tissue was healing after those initial years of inflammation.
  • In this post I also mention some of the foods I have, some of which have anti-inflammatory properties.

Now, here is the actual post on my ordeal that went on for years:

I wanted to write a chronicle of my 1999-2008 medical ordeal with the ulcerative colitis (UC), and with the doctors, the doctors’ bad advice and prescription drugs that either made things worse again or caused new problems.

So, here it is.

My ordeal began during the 1999-2000 period. It was better by April 2000, but there were relapses between 2001-2005. It was under control from 2005 until 2012 when there was an unexpected relapse. (If there is bleeding with BMs I call that a “relapse” of inflammation.)

The UC condition has been better since 2013. But it is still a sensitive condition. And I can’t eat a lot of foods/drinks, especially most vegetables, so I have to have various supplements such as magnesium, zinc, vitamin K and K2, etc., as I have mentioned before. I did go through a lot of “trial and error” with foods at times between 2000 and the later 2000s. But I never have foods now that could aggravate things (not knowingly, anyway). And I have foods that actually have anti-inflammatory properties.

To begin, in September and October 1999 there were about 10-15 times to the bathroom per day, and with bleeding. The bleeding was probably stimulating the extra BMs. The primary doctor during that period indicated that I had had a low blood count, low protein level, and my weight was in the range of 117-125. (I am approx. 6 feet.)

In September 1999 the proctologist doctor did a “flexible sigmoidoscopy,” diagnosed the UC and prescribed Rowasa enema. Things got better by mid-November and December of 1999.

However, the primary doctor was concerned about my continued low weight, and he suggested I add more calories to gain weight.

The primary doctor suggested I eat bran and whole wheat. At that time I was unaware that bran and whole wheat are irritants to the colon, even with people with normal digestive systems, so I did what was suggested. And by January 2000 the colitis was worse again.

But I didn’t see the relationship between my eating bran and whole wheat and the worsening UC relapse, and continued eating bran and whole wheat. I was also going back to eating normally perhaps a bit too soon. (Perhaps the doctor should have known not to suggest bran and whole wheat to a colitis sufferer?)

Another thing at that time in the primary doctor’s concern over my continued low weight was that he wanted me to have an upper GI series, because he thought there might have been something else going on. So I had a GI series, and I believe that the GI series barium reaggravated a “pylorospasm” (spastic pylorus) that I had during the mid-1980s that interfered with food digestion. The spastic pylorus continued to compound the relapsed colitis symptoms from January through March of 2000.

And so in January 2000 with the UC worse again, with multiple BMs per day and bleeding, this time I was having trouble retaining the Rowasa enema. And then the proctologist gave me Asacol, an oral tablet, which was supposed to be a timed release kind of thing, to prevent systemic absorption.

But apparently not. My side effects of that Asacol included swelling in the lower legs, feet and ankles. At one point, I could hardly walk. And there was also swelling in the scrotum. So the proctologist doctor switched me to sulfasalazine oral tablet (I think the timed release version) combined with Cortifoam, another rectal drug.

Regarding the lower legs/feet/ankle swelling, one of my parents suggested I try compression socks that go up to just below the knee. The swelling almost disappeared by the next day after putting on those socks. But did any doctor suggest the compression socks? Nope.

And so during this time of March 2000 I was also trying to be more conscientious with my eating habits, now that I was a little more informed about the relationship between foods and these digestive issues. My mother suggested Ensure to give me more calories and protein to help me to gain more weight. Of course, none of the doctors suggested that.

Also at that time I was taking Xanax, and I am way against those kinds of things. But I needed something to help me through this whole time that was going on for months now. It was extremely stressful. So with that anti-anxiety drug, the sulfasalazine and drinking Ensure, by April 2000 the condition and symptoms were a lot better (again), and the bleeding was gone.

I continued with the sulfasalazine as an ongoing daily medication. The weight got up to the mid-130s and stayed there maybe for a few years (now it’s about 140-142).

After an August 2001 colonoscopy, that colonoscopy doctor said there was still inflammation in the colon/rectum, so he advised that I go from 1 sulfasalazine tablet 4 times per day to 2 tablets 4 times per day. So I did that. He didn’t ask about or mention anything about foods or suggest any changes in my diet.

There had been bleeding-BM relapses that lasted about 4-5 months each, in 2001, 2002, 2003, and December 2004-April 2005.

In 2004 and 2005 I learned more about “natural anti-inflammatories.” I began taking fish oil softgels around April of 2005 because I learned that they are high in omega 3, which has anti-inflammatory properties. And in late 2005 I began taking acidophilus probiotic pills.

However, just to digress a bit, by about 10 years later I learned that it may not be a good idea to take fish oil or omega 3 supplements in the long term, like more than a year. (For example, see this article.) So I gradually reduced and then eliminated the fish oil softgels and tried to just eat fish, which was recommended. However, the fish was a problem with my sensitive digestive condition. I tried different kinds of fish, and cooking it or fish in a can such as sardines. Alas, it appears that fish causes my digestive system trouble, for some reason.

So as a natural omega 3 alternative to fish, I’ve been getting the cage-free eggs that all say a minimum of 70 mg of omega 3 per egg. Or brands that say it has over 100 mg per egg.

As far as keeping inflammation low or preventing it in the lower digestive area, the acidophilus is most important, as far as I’m concerned. But as I have written quite a bit now on my blog, having foods that have anti-inflammatory properties (such as extra virgin olive oil) is helpful, and not having any kinds of foods that could be pro-inflammatory is helpful (or necessary, in my case). No junk food or processed foods, no insoluble fiber, nuts, etc.

At the August 2005 colonoscopy, the new colonoscopy doctor told me to increase from 2 to 3 sulfasalazine tablets 4 times per day. He said nothing about foods or nutritional supplements at that time. So I increased the sulfasalazine and continued that over the next year.

However, later in 2006 at my annual physical examination, the new primary doctor said my blood pressure was unusually high. It had been on the low side for decades, according to previous doctors. So after some investigation on the Internet, I learned that one possible side effect of sulfasalazine is that it could affect your potassium level. And a low potassium level can cause or contribute to high blood pressure.

So I reduced the sulfasalazine, and the blood pressure went back down to more normal levels. (But now when I check that on the Internet 12 years later, there are no articles mentioning the relationship between sulfasalazine and potassium, as I saw then. Why is this?)

And by the way, regarding sulfasalazine, besides its possibly contributing to reducing potassium level, it also could cause a depletion of folic acid. And folic acid is something that’s very important for colon health! So two different colonoscopy doctors both told me to increase sulfasalazine but did not tell me to make sure I supplement with folic acid! They MUST know about sulfasalazine’s effect on folic acid! So that one bothers me, too. How could they not know that?

My 2007 colonoscopy, by the way, showed a reduction in inflammation, despite my discontinuing anti-inflammatory prescription drugs earlier that year and concentrating on nutritional supplements.

I “discovered” the acidophilus/probiotic supplement in late 2005, and began taking those at that time. I didn’t have any relapses with bleeding between about April 2005 and November 2012, and I attribute that in large part to taking the acidophilus supplement.

In November-December 2012 there was a relapse with bleeding for the first time in 7 years. By early 2013 I realized that the acidophilus I was taking wasn’t as good as it was in the first several years of taking it. The reviews of that particular product on Amazon seemed to confirm my suspicion. So in 2013 I switched to a different acidophilus product. And things have been much better since then.

At my 2007 colonoscopy I told the doctor (not the earlier GI doctor from 1999-2001 but the new one from 2005) about the acidophilus and how that seemed to make things a lot better since two years prior to that. And he said that he was a “big fan” of acidophilus. So I was wondering why, in the previous colonoscopy, he didn’t tell me about the acidophilus/probiotic supplements.

And why didn’t any of my primary doctors tell me during those years?

That colonoscopy doctor did, however, try to push the prescription anti-inflammatory Asacol on me at that time. That was the drug I had in early 2000 that caused swelling in the legs, etc.

Besides trying to push Asacol on me, in the examination room he had coffee mugs with the name “Asacol” on them, and his clipboard he was using had “Asacol” on the top! So this was quite a learning experience. And he was the head of endoscopy/colonoscopy at a major metropolitan hospital at that time!

And then after the 2008 colonoscopy, that same colonoscopy doctor advised that I see another specialist because of some issue with that colonoscopy that the doctor didn’t explain. So I saw that so-called specialist who said that that particular colonoscopy biopsy showed “markedly regenerative glands with neutrophils,” but “indefinite for dysplasia.” The specialist wanted me to go have another colonoscopy in just 6 months!

I asked that “specialist” GI doctor to further clarify the issue. And he said something along the lines that “regenerative glands with neutrophils” meant either that the colon tissue had been “regenerating” (a good thing), or that it was a sign that there were cells developing that could show “dysplasia” (or possibly cancer cells).

Well, my own conclusion was that “regenerative glands with neutrophils” meant that the colon was really healing after those earlier years of inflammation, bleeding, etc., and that it was not a sign of developing cancer.

And so given how stressful those colonoscopies were for me (including the day-before prep!) I decided to take the chance and not go in for that next requested colonoscopy. I concluded at that time that those doctors were just full of it and that they wanted to make the hospital more money, quite frankly. (And see this.)

By the way, I have not had another colonoscopy since 2008, thank God. And, incidentally, while the 2001 colonoscopy had “old, dried out polyps,” according to that first colonoscopy doctor, my 2005, 2007, and 2008 colonoscopies all showed NO polyps. (Humph! to them for putting me through all this crap, for years, and for no good reason!)

Now, back to my own nutritional treatments. So in the 2007-08 time I continued with acidophilus, fish oil softgels, quercetin (an antioxidant  bioflavonoid), vitamin D, guar gum for soluble fiber, and folic acid, mainly.

As I wrote on my blog, regarding drinking Ensure, it’s probably not a good idea to have that in the long term either. Ensure is high in sugar and has corn oil and corn maltodextrin, as well as a lot of synthetic “vitamin” and mineral ingredients. I started that around March of 2000. In September 2013 I began to gradually decrease that from four 8-oz bottles per day to 3, and then 2, and 1, and my last bottle of Ensure was in June of 2016.

I gradually decreased the fish oil from about early 2014 and stopped that by around March of 2016.

And I’m not saying that my colon is all better, not at all. It’s still a very sensitive condition, and I can’t eat a lot of things, as I mentioned at the top.

Starting in September 2013 I added hard-boiled eggs to my daily diet. In 2014 I added extra-virgin olive oil and carrot juice (100% juice, no fiber). And (I think by 2015 or ’16) I added concord grape juice. And I also have apple juice. It’s 2 servings per day of each of those three juices, which I don’t believe should be a problem (as far as carbohydrates or sugars are concerned, but I could be wrong).

And I also switched from margarine to organic butter. Butter and whole milk contain milk fat, which I had read has anti-inflammatory properties, especially for the digestive system.

An additional thing that I have is whey protein. I know that it’s not a good idea to have too much protein per day, not more than 200 grams, I think. But I don’t have that much. The main reason for the whey protein is that it contains natural amino acids and L-glutamine, which have been shown to repair damaged colon tissue (e.g. damaged from inflammation). And I refuse to take any of those prescription anti-inflammatories, unless I really, really have to.

But I had to learn about all those nutritional factors, for colon support and to help prevent any further ulcerative colitis, from the Internet, not from doctors. And I do extensive research on everything, such as checking multiple sources.

So I didn’t learn one thing about nutrition from any “doctor.” It was quite the opposite, in my view. Doctors were mostly pushing their damn prescription drugs, as well as giving harmful advice, or withholding information.

And that’s been my general experience, especially with this ordeal since 1999. I really believe that my lower digestive condition right now wouldn’t be this sensitive, and that I probably would still be able to have more foods including some vegetables had the first doctor in 1999 not given me bad advice and had I been informed much earlier of the effects of diet, and had I known about the probiotic supplements earlier. I don’t believe that I would have had those relapses (that may have had a cumulative weakening effect on the colon) from 2001-2005 and in 2012.

Some of My Issues With Dietary Supplements

Several times here I have mentioned my issues with some dietary supplements (as well as the prescription drugs). Because I can’t have certain foods especially most vegetables, because of my digestive condition (UC), I have to have certain supplements.

Magnesium is important for muscles, nerves and joints. However, it has been difficult and frustrating having a magnesium supplement that is bioavailable and that absorbs into the system, and doesn’t act as a laxative! Magnesium oxide is one of those forms of magnesium that acts as a laxative, so I don’t want that. Magnesium citrate and magnesium glycinate are the two forms that I’ve had that are best to absorb.

So here are some of the problems with magnesium supplements (some of which I have already mentioned here). In 2015 after having reduced the Ensure down to 1 per day, I was having problems with my muscles mainly in the arms. And I saw online that it could be magnesium deficiency. I think the Ensure that I was used to has magnesium as well as other minerals and vitamins. Well, the situation got a lot better after starting the magnesium citrate. In 2015-2017 I was getting the Vitamin World magnesium citrate. But in later 2017 my Vitamin World store closed down, so I had to find a different supplement. That was a very difficult process. I finally found the Bluebonnet magnesium citrate after having tried the KAL magnesium glycinate. There was something wrong with that KAL and I saw online that it got low marks in the purity category.

So while the Bluebonnet is (or was) good, I still have had some problems with these supplements, such as last Summer that was very hot and humid. And I learned that hot and humid weather can affect supplements. And there are other factors involved. And in the past month I am beginning to wonder if the Bluebonnet may not be as good now as it was last year. So this is frustrating. (I wish I could just eat broccoli and asparagus and all that stuff, but I can’t.)

And then there are other issues with supplements, such as containing other ingredients that cause problems. There’s no reason why, for example, Solaray’s “BioCitrate Magnesium” has to have “watercress leaf,” “dandelion root,” “alfalfa leaf,” and “parsley leaf.” Do they put that stuff in there just to be cool?

I wonder how many people take these supplements specifically because they have trouble digesting important vegetables? And other ingredients that might be harsh to digest. Do the supplement makers understand these things?

Why does Whole Foods 365 chelated zinc have to contain rice flour? I looked online and, while I know that rice is mostly (if not all) insoluble fiber, a cup of rice flour still contains not that much insoluble fiber. So there should only be a teeny-tiny amount of the fiber in one of these zinc pills. Right? I still had a problem with it. So I’ve been getting the Jarrow Formulas zinc, but I’m not totally pleased with it.

And why does Nature Made magnesium citrate have to contain “medium chain triglycerides”? I haven’t had it, but online sources state that medium chain triglycerides could cause gastric distress, something obviously someone like me doesn’t need. And it could also cause liver issues.

I also have been consuming whey protein for quite a few years. Whey contains natural amino acids and L-glutamine, which have been shown to repair damaged colon tissue (damaged, in my case, from inflammation), as well as aid in general muscle tissue replacement. Which is why body-builders use whey protein. However, many of those supplements contain a lot of extra ingredients that aren’t particularly good or healthy, such as artificial sweeteners, preservatives, etc. It is difficult for me to find a good product that’s reliable in my stores. And I don’t want to order these kinds of things online. I was getting one product at Trader Joe’s but they haven’t had it for a few months, so I have to get it at Whole Foods, at $15 more than I was getting it for at Trader Joe’s. Frustrating. A similar product, the same brand but a different variety (and with ingredients I don’t particularly want) is available at GNC.

So magnesium, zinc and vitamin K2 are especially important, and I have to have these supplements. That’s the way it is.

“Relief Factor” and Omega 3

From time to time I hear some talk radio personalities advertising for “Relief Factor,” an anti-inflammatory dietary supplement. Each “Relief Factor” packet contains 2 fish oil softgels and 2 capsules containing Epimedium (200 mg), Turmeric (667 mg), and Japanese Fleeceflower (70 mg).

The “Relief Factor” website suggests taking three packets per day to start and then reduce it to two per day. The 2 fish oil softgels together contain 1400 mg of fish oil that includes 900 mg of omega 3. That means that each individual softgel contains 700 mg fish oil and 450 mg omega 3 (2 softgels = one serving).

Now, if you take three packets per day of 2 fish oil softgels each, that amounts to 2700 mg of just omega 3 per day (as well as whatever else is in the fish oil). Yikes! that’s too damn much omega 3 per day!

We’re not talking about “3 grams of fish oil,” because oftentimes fish oil softgels (such as 1200 mg each) only contain 300-500 mg of omega 3, and the rest of the fish oil softgel contains omega 6 and other things. No, we’re talking nearly 3 grams of just omega 3!

I have touched on fish oil a bit here and will mention that again in my upcoming post on my medical ordeal, the post that’s almost finished.

So, there are two issues that I have learned about regarding omega 3. The first issue is that it could have a blood-thinning effect, and could interact with prescription blood-thinners. So, while the supplement makers don’t mention this, it is probably a good idea for fish oil (or otherwise omega 3-containing supplements) consumers to not take blood thinners. Or, if someone is taking a blood thinner for some reason (like coumadin, for example), then it would be a good idea to not take too much omega 3 or a supplement that is high in omega 3.

Now, that’s the first issue with omega 3. The second issue is that (and I may have mentioned this on this blog) it may not be a good idea to be taking fish oil or omega 3 supplements in the long term, and that just eating fish as a part of the diet would be healthier. I am going to mention that again in my upcoming post on my medical ordeal from the 2000s. Here is another article I found on that issue.

It is best to get dietary omega 3 from natural food sources, in my view, such as fish, krill, seeds and nuts. It can also be found in milk, chicken, beef and eggs. Because of my digestive issues, I have been relying on eggs for omega 3. But there are other foods to have that could have anti-inflammatory effects. It is also a good idea to avoid foods that have a pro-inflammatory effect, like foods containing corn oil.

But, as far as fish oil supplements such as “Relief Factor,” perhaps taking that when one has had an injury or to otherwise address some specific issue, temporarily, could be a good idea.

“Climate Change Deniers” Are Better for the Environment Than Politicians, Says The Daily Bell

The Daily Bell has an article on why “climate change deniers” are better for the environment than politicians. The article cites the new U.S. Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her campaign staff who use Uber and fly much more than they use Amtrak, and they eat hamburgers, resulting in cow farts. So there is some hypocrisy there among some activists who want to use the force of government to make everybody comply with certain arbitrary rules that very well may not make things better.

The article also points out that some people and businesses are voluntarily making efforts to be “green,” such as Trader Joe’s phasing out plastics. I get my olive oil and carrot juice at Trader Joe’s, among other things, by the way.

The Daily Bell also states that the U.S. military is the biggest polluter on Earth. No surprise to me there. Most of the pollution comes out of the mouths of bureaucrats who want to sacrifice your kids and grandkids for the sake of raking in more profits for Northrup Grumman and Raytheon. (I am not even sure that they are worse than Big Pharma!)

Incidentally, my “carbon footprint” is very small. I live in a small apartment, I don’t drive, and I don’t eat red meat, if you know what I mean.