My Situation

Here is my situation, that really goes back to the early 1990s. I currently work from my home computer although I don’t have that much of an income. During the early-mid ’90s I had a great deal of problems, particularly in the area of anxiety, dealing with difficult issues from the past that were coming up, as well as a difficult situation going on in my apartment building. I was not functioning, and my parents had to support me. And then they needed assistance to help them to support me, so they put me on this disability supplemental income, which I didn’t think was a good idea. While signing the papers they gave me, I said I’m signing this under duress, which was the truth.

I had a disability evaluation with a psychologist in April 1994, and I told him about the things I was dealing with, including some things I thought was going on in my building. I was right about one of the things, which I will not get into here, but later on I realized I was wrong about the other things. The following year I was having much more clear memories and flashbacks of situations from childhood many years before that, something of an abusive nature. So then I could see that those things had been surfacing and were just too difficult to deal with, and I realized that was probably a main factor in my misperceiving things going on in my building. That was 1995, and there was a second disability evaluation in May, 1998 in which I told the psychologist at that time about that whole situation, which clarified what I told the first psychologist in 1994. You see, the things I told the first psychologist in 1994 were regarding what I thought I was dealing with in my apartment building, which probably made me seem very “paranoid,” but the fact that I realized that I was misperceiving those things and probably based on the issues that were surfacing from earlier years, should correct the record from 1994, I hope. I have the names of both psychologists but I will not write those names in here. But the main problem throughout all these things has been anxiety and fear, which I have been dealing with since childhood, and I can see why given the stuff that was going on way back then that really had a negative impact on me. I don’t even want to write about that here.

In the meantime, between those two evaluations, I would say that I was getting “better,” given how bad my situation was early-mid ’90s. But “reassimilating” was still difficult. Then, in 1999 I had some difficult issues in the digestive area, and by September that year I was in bad shape physically because of the digestive issues, which I will probably get into here (“ulcerative colitis,” inflammatory bowel) at some point. So between September 1999 and March 2000 I had quite a few medical procedures and doctors office visits, and once again it was a difficult stressful period, a setback. The digestive issues got a lot better by April 2000, but there were relapses between 2001 and 2005. (If there is bleeding with BMs, I call that a “relapse,” or flare-up.) The problem has been under control since 2005, especially since 2008, with the exception of a relapse in November-December 2012, which was because of issues with some dietary supplements combined with stressful things to deal with. And that told me that, while the situation was under control, I still had a sensitive condition and have to be careful. And stress is a factor as well in that. That is why I work from my home computer. I just can’t handle too much stress, and I’ve been that way since my earliest years. For example, I could get some part-time job somewhere, but because I do not do well under pressure at all, it would be a very difficult endeavor, and the stress of even the smallest of issues (that is, what would probably seem like small to others) would affect my digestive condition. After all that I’ve been through between 1999 and 2005 (and 2012), I don’t want to take any risks in causing any subsequent relapses. So that is why it would be much better for me to work form my home computer.

The other aspect of all that is, I’ve been living in this apartment which is a condo that my parents have owned for many years (they live in a different state) and they’re letting me stay here. But this is a rotten apartment, and in an old, rotten building, that I’ve been wanting to move out of for a long time, but haven’t been able to afford to do that. This place has been a big source of stress for me, and moving out would be a big help.

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